Crawling.

As I get older, im starting to realize the change in human beings. How little they can be that requires almost no change in a person’s life, and how drastic they can be, that one would never expect it out of that person you thought you knew. It is very true when people say, “you think you may know that person, but you really don’t.” you may marry someone, live till you’re 1 billion years old, and even then, I believe that you will only truly know only 50% of what he or she is like. Human beings are despicable to me. We are able to lie and deceive others for our own gain. Learning moral studies is bogus, because those are the things that you only learn by the book to know that it exists, and how to define that one moral act that you can do. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve meet a single person who has actually said, “so based on what I learned in moral class…”. tbh I don’t think people even remember what we learned in moral studies besides the vague outline of having to memorize all the stupid moral terms and its definition for our final papers. Sohai.

After having people turn on me from one person to another, and how they can change from one mask to another, I have concluded that human beings are worse than animals. Animals do not hide who they are, nor do they lie to their friends/packs/mates etc. Owners as well if you’d like. They show who they are. Bite you when they feel like you’re threatening them, bark when they’re irritated, whimper when it hurts, cuddles or nestles against their mate, hump when they’re horny, hunt when they’re hungry. In fact, what I find most amazing, is how they are able to stick to one mate. Yes im very well aware that some species or most of them actually have one alpha male with them bitches surroundin him, but it’s a mutual understanding. All them bitches know it, and he knows it. but…humans. Some do not know, some will never ever know, and some … just continues it unless they can’t deal with the guilt anymore of stringing the other girl or guy on.

Human beings…can torture others while laughing, or … just torture without ever having the feeling of guilt in themselves. They just… torture if it pleases them. They are more selfish than selfless, and what is funny is that the selfless ones are the ones who suffer most in this world. Another good example as to why moral studies is just total bullshit. It taught us to be selfless, religion tells us to do unto others as you would want them to do unto you, but it doesn’t apply anymore in this world. If you want them to do what you want, you gotta be selfish. You gotta put yourself first and not love with your whole heart because at the end of the day, you’re at the losing end. and you have no shield to protect yourself because you have never once doubted the behaviour of the other person, you have never once decided to question the true emotions, intentions and emotions of the other because you feel bad every time you doubt them.

Instincts, are occasionally and mainly for me, mostly beneficial to my decisions. I have been nothing but stupid to never follow what my instincts have urged me so urgently to do. Had I followed it, I would have potentially helped avoid that accident from occurring. Had I done it, I would have never thrown myself into another. Had I done it, I would have never let it continue.

Had I done it, I would have at least healed up by now and not see the disgusting picture that I am being forced to see right now.

It feels like you’re being tied back against a chair, with mechanics forcing you to keep your eyes open. It forces you to watch that image being torn apart. That image which you have spent so much time on picturing, fixing, perfecting and drawing that was so surreal, just being torn away, piece by piece, to reveal the actual moulding rotting picture that you have also ignored underneath. the picture that you have created, is beautiful. Beyond beautiful that it will be worth it. But what is taking place right before your very eyes is how the picture has taken a life of its own, showing you what you have been drawing and picturing was nothing but a mirage, and your own very special way of interpreting it.

“Would love to stay, thanks for providing me with a place to stay, but found some place new, gotta go.”

It slowly and unsteadily burns the beautiful colours away, colours that were keeping you sane and strong throughout the whole ordeal, that constantly told you, “ it will be worth it one day, it will be worth it. Hold on, and persevere.” There is so much the human eye can never see. After all, it only guides us to see what and where we are walking to, to make sure we do not purposely jump into harms way. But, these are the things that it cannot see. Emotional harm. Psychological damage.

You want to wince. You want to curl into a ball to comfort yourself from this monstrosity that has emerged beneath that fragile drawing that you tried so hard to keep intact. But you cant. You cannot move. You are strapped on, and there is nowhere out of this place besides watching until the entire picture is fully burnt out. Even then, it is far from over. You are to confront what you thought was real, and you then have to be told that this was its original form all along, and all that effort you have put in all this time was nothing but …. Well. Nothing.

You want to destroy that painting. The colours, and what was hidden. Everything. But you have spent so much effort, time and love that it is impossible for you to just pin it down and destroy it. How can you destroy something that you have never thought was so cruel? Something that you have never thought of as evil and heartless?

“Im sorry.”

“Its for my own benefit.”

“I tried.”

“Trust me.”

“I promise.”

I wanted to run. I wanted to run so badly that forcing myself to stay was a constant battle for me. But I stayed. I stayed to give the benefit of the doubt because I never believed what I saw was true. I always believed that beneath it was something so beautiful that nobody could truly see it for what it really was, and that I have to be there, to nurture it and to always be there to ensure that it is safe, strong, loved.

I should’ve ran.

“I’m long past that.”

There it is. The straps were released. You collapse onto the cold hard rough stoned floor. Your heart is pierced, stabbed, heavy. You are drained. Drained by the whole ordeal, the reality of the situation that you were living in. That little glimmer of hope that you had, hoping that this situation was a mere illusion burns out. Physically breathing, mentally dead.

It’s not over.

Sprawled on the floor, there are voices. Whispers. Chuckles. Snickering.

It’s not from that dark hooded figure that is standing over you that has emerged from that painting, grinning at you wincing in pain. Rather, from others.

“Trust me. I’m not lying.”

Pieces of the puzzles, confirmation of the suspicions that you had, everything just comes rushing at you.

“They are lying. Trust me,” he would say with those sinister eyes.

Scenarios, images, pictures, words. You want to stop them. Helpless to move, these images and words are injected into you. Blood runs through your entire body without ever stopping, and this film seems to be never ending.

“Interpret me again. I won’t bite.”

It crushes you. You want to cling on to that person, your art, and to continue and be strong. You want to cling on and beg for it to come back, to go back to what it was.

Continuously charming you, continuously tempting you to get closer. It’s enjoying this game.

You still think of the world of it. You still want to believe that this was all just a phase. A dream. A hallucination.

It is not.

It is nothing but the cold hard truth, and you have been replaced. You were nothing but a mere stepping stone.

“No you weren’t my love, it was nothing but the truth,” he would say while looking at another.

“I’ve stayed here long enough, goodbye,” as he glides and runs towards the other.

Injection is still never ending.

Pain is never gone.

Lies are still fed.

But my love, I know things that you do not think I know.